Before I boarded my first flight I did a quick post on Facebook to introduce all my connections to this blog. It wasn’t an easy decision which I had been chewing over for more than a week before deciding to go for it.
I must have typed and retyped it up in my notes about a zillion times, and the more I did it, the more I doubted whether this really was a good idea.
But this journey I’m on is all about pushing myself so I pressed “post”, turned off my phone and forgot about it for a while.
It’s been a few days since then and I’ve since been through an emotional rollercoaster which has affected me in many ways but these are the dominant three feelings:
The response to the post was immensely positive, I’ve had lots of messages from a range of people with kind words and some even opening up to me about their mental health. I feel so happy that already I have touched some people and given them comfort. On the down side I got too overwhelmed because all of a sudden everyone I’ve ever met now knows something about me which I have held a secret for so long. Telling people about my illness is an amazing step forward but terrifying because I can’t hide from it anymore which is extremely unnerving for me.
One of the things I hate about PTSD is the grief it causes inside of me and I hate to offload that pain on to other people that I care about so because of that I don’t talk about my issues in much detail, if at all. Once I finally got wifi in Male, Maldives and read some of the messages I had received from my extended family and other connections it completely broke my heart to see how sad they were that I have been going through so much alone which lead to me sobbing away for hours until I fell asleep. Having said that knowing I have their love and support means the world to me and is a wonderful feeling.
Mental illness has a poor reputation so I was expecting some sarcastic or rude comments from people who don’t take it seriously. But I’m so relieved I haven’t had a single bit of negativity from anyone which makes me wonder if I had made a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill of the situation. At the end of the day I know my blog and illness is very personal to me but it shouldn’t have to be this hard to talk about.
Considering all of the above and add that I’m alone in a new country and was exhausted from traveling with a whirlwind of emotions it all resulted in me feeling like I had lost all control of myself and my surroundings. I felt completely overwhelmed and had so much anxiety then became so so dizzy that eventually I had one of the worst breakdowns I’ve had in a long while and it really, really scared me.
After my lovely Mum calmed me down I reflected on the last few days and I really have had some wonderful experiences already! And at some points of the day when I forgot about everything I felt so peaceful and entranced by my beautiful surroundings that I know I have to keep going for a little while longer.
I hope once I’ve settled in I can get a grip on my surroundings and really throw myself into living a little bit!
Writing these blogs is proving tough but rewarding, please give me a follow if you find them helpful or share to spread more awareness about mental health.